Tales Of The Village Idiot
by The Wandering Stalfos
Summary: The adventure of the Kakariko Village Idiot and his quest to dispose of the Hero Of Time with a little help from the voice in his head.
1. Default Chapter

Body

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Tales of the Village Idiot 

I'm Not Gonna Take This Anymore 

by The Wandering Stalfos'. 

People say its lonely at the top. Complain that everyone turns against them, jealous of their superiority, be it in whatever field it may be in. But then think about me; I'd give anything to be on top, cause i couldn't get any lonelier on the bottom. 

I have no friends... i am laughed at. People tease me, mock me, call me names in my sleep. Even the voices in my head make fun of me, well the one voice that is left. The others ditched me for... well i don't want to talk about that. But i'm sure you've seen me, you've laughed and taunted and teased me. That's why i'm writing this, to show you how I feel... to show you there is a person inside this hollow body they call me. 

So let me introduce myself. I'm your average low IQ, no common sence, annoying, stupid... well, enough with the compliments. I'm just The Village Idiot. And this is my... well he's not a friend really but he's the closet thing i have. His name's Fred. 

"Hi, my name's Fred." 

He's the voice inside my head... but don't tell him that or he'll make me do bad things, or do bad things to myself... he enjoys nothing more than humiliating me infront of complete strangers and their mothers... he has a strange obsesion with shaven goats, but don't tell him i told you. 

"You best not be talking about me, or i'll make you do bad things and humiliate you infront of perfect strangers and their mothers... you know there is nothing i like better... except the occasional shaven goat." 

Surprizing as it maybe, even though i am undoubtably the biggest loser in all of Hyrule, I do have some very interesting stories to tell... most of which involve me humiliating myself and Fred laughing at me... 

*** 

It was a sunny day as usual in Kakariko Village. People were going about their daily business. I was just wandering around the streets babbling to myself, as always. I noticed a strange lad clad in green... some kind of fairy boy i think. I figured I'd say hi, knowing that once i had met him, he would no longer be a perfect stranger and Fred wouldn't try to humiliate me infront of him. 

"Hello strange lad clad in green, whom i believe to be a fairy boy," i said in my most please be my friend and don't kill meish voice. 

"..." he replied. Obviously he was a little shy. 

"What kind of reply was that? This asshole wants to fight... show him what you're made of." 

Fred always wanted me to fight. And of course, i always listened... what kind of Village Idiot would i be if i didn't do everything people told me to do? 

I grabbed my trusty wooden leg, which i had borrowed from some one legged man... he won't notice it missing. I swung at the fairy boy... as usual I missed, swung in a complete circle and fell on my ass in a puddle of mud... there always seems to be mud for me to fall in, yet it never seems to rain. 

I picked myself up off the ground and charged the boy, he would pay for making me look bad infront of him, and the dozen or so people standing around laughing at me. 

My charge came to a crashing hault when i tripped over my feet and fell to the ground. Luckily, there were a few chickens to break my fall... but this chickens didn't seem to pleased with cusioning my fall. Suddenly, like alot of white flying things flying at me alot, chickens began to fly at me from every angle. Where they were coming from, i could only assume it was Cleveland. But they were coming. They pecked at me... and it hurt, alot. I ran, and i ran, and i ran. And when i thought i couldn't run anymore, i ran more. Like clockwork, I managed to trip and fall on my face, but at least the chickens were gone and only a strange jogging man was around to see me, letting out a little chuckle as he ran by. 

I was in Hyrule Plains... and darkness was coming. Those skeleton things always tried to kill me at night. What they have against me, i don't know. Fred says its because I smell. 

"Hey smelly, lets get out of here before those skeleton things try to kill you again." 

As usual, Fred always had good ideas. I headed for the nearest place that wasn't where i was now. This just happend to be a little Ranch. I reached it just before nightfall and took up residence for the night in storage shed... this was almost as good as the wood crate i slept in at Kakariko Village. 

*** 

I woke up to the snoring of an old man. It appeared he had come to drop something off in the shed and dosed off. I would have stopped to poke him with a stick or other pointy object, but i figured I better get back to the Village, they might be worried about me... after all, with me gone, there goes 99% of their entertainment. 

As i left the shed, i looked deeper into the ranch. I saw horses, galloping about joyously... and then i saw a few of those dreaded chickens. I decided that i could take a few of them on myself. I would have my revenge. 

"Get your revenge, there are only a couple of them." 

Fred seems to think like i do, though i notice he thinks quite alot more than i do. 

Just as i was going to redeem myself, i seen something even more redeeming. It was that fairy boy that humiliated me. He was talking to some girl... this was the perfect chance. Humuliate him infront of her, this was going to be good. 

I walked towards him with confidence. "Wooden Leg," I said, "It's time to do your thing." 

As i got nearer, my heart raced. I was gonna show the world, or at least some little fairy kid in tights, that I wasn't the weak, pathetic fool that everyone knows I am. Then my moment of glory went arye... stupid kid played a song on his ocarina, and some dumb little horse came running to him. This wouldn't have been all too bad, if i hadn't been between him and the horse. Needless to say, i was badly trampled. Although the pain was great, my crushed feelings far exceeded any physical pain I recieved. 

*** 

I woke up once again in the fields, this time there was a skeleton gnawing on my arm. I managed to beat it off with the wooden leg, and then once again i began my running. I ran straight to the Kakariko Village... my home. 

I walked to where my box is... or was. In its place lied splinters of wood. The person who did this shall pay. After asking around town as to who done it and receaving absolutley no help, i assumed it was the fairy boy. After all, why hate two people when you can really hate one? 

I spent the next three days asking around town about what happened to the fairy boy. Most people just kicked my ass, but a few of the nicer people left it at a simple insult or two. Fred constantly told me to forget about it... i think he wanted to look for a goat. 

"Forget about it... let's go look for a goa... nevermind." 

Finally, like a thing you've waited for a long time but just never seems to happen, I finally had a big break. Not only did i find a new crate, which smelled like cucco feed, but fairy boy returned... this time by the light of the moon. He passed through town, stopping only slightly to pick a wedge, and shortly exited town through the back way, entering the Death Mountain area. 

"Hey there goes that fairy boy... lets follow him. He's heading towards Death Mountain." 

Fred, having yet another brilliant idea, proved that he was almost as full of good ideas as I was full of shit. 

Taking Fred's cue, I followed after the fairy boy. Had the hill not been so steep, i would have caught him. My bad knee, suffered from an accident with a my two feet and a garden hose, would not allow me to catch him, though i could keep up. That was until i ran into a strange bug things. 

"Hello strange bug thing," I said. Though i am an idiot, i do know when I see a strange bug thing, and this was definatly a bug, and I'm pretty sure it was strange. 

The bug returned my greeting by playfully jumping on me. I was having fun until Fred, always somewhat of a Scrooge, pointed out the obvious. 

"Uh, you know, that thing is trying to eat you." 

"He's just playing," I told Fred, not wanting to believe this. How could my new friend, my only friend, be trying to eat me? Considering it had happened to me eleven times before, what are the chances it could happen again? They say thunder doesn't strike three times. 

"Hey idiot, you're bleeding. That thing has its fangs sunk so deep in you, that it's really deep. Not to mention, didn't you read the sign?" 

"You know I can't read. Momma said reading is the tool of the devil." 

"Well you illiterate bastard, it says "Beware of Tektites: They will try to eat you." Now do you believe me?" 

"What's a Tektite? Is it some kind of new soap?" I asked. They always say there is no such thing as a stupid question. 

"That's the dumbest question I've heard all day, though not as dumb as yesterday when you were wondering what the toilet paper was for..." 

"How should I know, I just thought I had to change my underwear alot more than normal people." 

"Well, you're definatly not normal. But back to the origanal question. Tektites are those things that are trying to eat you." 

Coming to this realization, I became very worried. Infact, I was petrified with fear. I probably wouldn't have moved, but this puddle of piss i was lying in was getting bigger by the moment and the fear of drowning in my own urine was greater than the fear of being eat alive by a new type of soap. Fortunatley the soap was also fearful of drowning, and it fled... into the town. I soon afterwards heard screams of agony from Kakariko... but as long as he left my crate alone, i'm happy. So now not only was I warm, but i was also safe. 

The sound of an explosion broke my concentration. "I wonder what that sound could have come from?" 

"Hey dumbass, I know you're wondering what that explosion sound came from, so why don't you just look where it came from?" 

Fred came through again. I look and as I saw the dust clear, there stood the fairy boy and the remnents of a large boulder. The boy walking into a cave, which had been previously blocked by the boulder. I decided to wait outside for Fairy Boy to leave the cave... not because it was dark and scary in the cave, but because the voice in my head told me so. 

"Why don't you wait out here... Fairy Boy has to come out eventually, then we'll get him. Besides, I know it's too dark and scary in there for you. You'll end of wetting yourself again. And you know how mad Mom gets when you piss your pants more than once a day." 

*** 

The morning dew dripped from the sides of the rocky mountain walls. A golden spider twirled around in circles endlessly, reminding me much of my younger years. I heard a crackling sound, and from the cave, like a poe emerging from its grave, came my sworn enemy... that damn fairy kid. He left in quite a hurry, like he had important business to take care of. He ran like the wind, or at least someone that could run fast, and was nearly out of sight by the time I manage to spring to my feet. 

Over the river and through the woods, to Zora's Domain he did go. Upon reaching what appeared to be a dead end in Zora's River, Fairy Boy began playing a song on his ocarina. And what a hideious song it was, it reminded me of crazy Uncle Gagoob, whom always smelled funny and talked only by grunting. After the song was completed, a doorway opened behind the waterfall and the kid jumped through and dissappeared inside. 

Through the waterfall I decided to jump. Although I was deafly afraid of jumping through running water, I was even more afraid of the cucco that had been following me all the way up the river. That was one scary bird... evil white feathers and a hideous orange beak. So I took a leap of faith, acctually more of a stumble of luck. But whatever it was, I did end up in the opening behind the waterfall, though I was laying flat on my face. 

"Get off your face... we need to find that meddling kid." 

Picking myself up off my face, I headed into the cavern. 

Inside was an area like no other I had seen before, well, it was a little like what Fred says the inside of my head looks like. 

"This place looks like the inside of your head." 

There was a small path running along the inside of the cave, and down below was a large pool of liquid, which I assume is water... of course it could be unhardened Jello. I decided to walk along the path, as I didn't know how to swim. Fred tried to show me how to swim one time and he almost killed both of us. I guess that's what I get for trying to swim in Octorok infested water. 

I continued to walk around the path until I reached something that I was not expecting... a really fat fish thing. Infact, not only was he really fat... actually that was about it. I walked up to him and tried to make aquintences. 

"Hi," I said. Everyone always told me how polite that I am. I just seem to have a way with words. 

"..." Mr Fat Fish didn't seem to have much to say. Maybe he was just shy. I decided to try again. 

"Hi," I said in my most please talk to meish voice. 

"..." Fishy didn't want to talk. With a little convencing from Fred... "Kick his ass!" ... I decided to beat the words out of him. 

I lunged at him and began to punch and kick him with all my might, or at least what little might that I had. The big fish was unphased by this, so I took to other means. I began biting, slapping, and pinching him. Although this was fun, it seemed to do absolutley nothing. Suddenly, like something that happens unexpectedly, the big Fish Dude began making a gurgling sound. He swayed back and forth like a drunken man trying to walk. Then, he came crashing down... on me of course. 

Blackness ensued. I lost all concept of time... and damn, that fish is getting heavy. 

*** 

"It seems bad for our hero. But could it possibly end this way, trapped under a big fish thing? And what of the fairy boy, can he get away with this trechery? And what about the shaven goats, where are they? And what the hell is that smell?" 

"Fred, can you scratch my back?" 

"Hey dipshit, I'm a voice in your head, how do you expect me to scratch your back? You're dumber than someone really dumb." 

"Well, goodnight to all, and to all a good night. And beware the cucco that walks at midnight." 

""See what I have to put up with? If I had a foot, I'd kick his ass. But anyways, what's gonna happen, there's too many things left unsolved... did I hear someone mention SEQUEL?" 

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	2. Tales Of The Village Idiot Part 2 - The ...

Body Tales of The Village Idiot Part 2 

Written by ......... ,one half of the Wandering Stalfos'. 

"So dipshit, how the hell are we going to get out of this one?" 

We rejoin our hero to find that he still has the same problem, fat fish boy is still using him as a chair. 

"Mmph ees fuulo flub!" 

"Your mouth is full of flab?" 

"Mm-hm!" 

"Ah-ha! I have an idea! Right, close your eyes and think of his flab as one of the big juicy sticks you always eat. Now take a big bite." 

Both my immense hunger and hatred for that fairy kid took over and I decided to obey Fred's orders and bite that fishy's ass like there was no yesterday. Fish Dude did not like me taking a good chunk out of his rear and decided to slide along the ice like a thing that slides alot. 

Just as I escaped good old Fairy Boy sauntered round the corner holding the biggest M&M I had ever seen and looking very happy for himself . How dare he look so content, didn't he know that I, the great............the great..........erm.....I was on the prowl?!? I decided I was would teach him a lesson in respect, or at least hit him a couple of times with my wooden leg I removed. I gathered up all my courage and pride to say the most insulting thing right to his face. 

" You sir, are a cad and a bounder!" 

" Way to go dumbass, that one really hurt, just kick his ass!!" 

The fairy boy just stared at me as if I was strange, which I was used to by now so I decided to take Fred's expert advice. 

" Feel the wrath of the wooden leg of hades!" 

Although I pulled the leg back to strike, hit the boy I did not. As I was going to connect with Fairy Kid's head a smaller version of Fat Fishy, beetween the ages of young and old I guessed, came speeding round the corner and trampled me into the ground. One word explained how I felt at this time. 

"Argh!!" 

When i awoke, Fred was ready with vital information for me. 

"Your gay!" 

"Gay? Whats gay?" 

" *sigh* Nevermind, come on Fairy Boy headed to the Temple of Time." 

"Right...........erm.....Fred.........where is the Temple of Time?" 

""Grrr........you don't know?! Well, lets just do this. To the Temple of Time!" 

The batman scene change music plays as a picture of an evil cucco moves toward the screen and back out as our hero is warped into the magical building. 

"This, dumbshit, is the Temple of Time." 

I was amazed. 

"Wow, Its so.....so....temply." 

"There's Fairy Kid! Kick his ass good!" 

My nemesis was standing in front of some big door which led somewhere, I think. I ran, and after two falls finally got to him, but as I reached him he pulled some sword out from the ground I was blinded by the light. And this time when I woke up, he was gone. 

"Wherever he went, he will come back to here." 

Fred was my fountain of knowledge as usual. 

"Why don't we wait, I doubt he will be long." 

7 YEARS LATER 

"How long's it been?" 

"Still 7 years like you asked yesterday dumbass" 

I waited 7 years for Fairy Boy. Seven looooooooooooong years. Surviving by eating the temple walls and drinking my own fluid. I figured by the time he returned, I would be pretty mad. The thing that kept me going was Fred's company. I don't think I could have lived without it. 

"Seven years and not one shaven goat. All because of this one Fairy Boy. He will pay for this dearly" 

"Why does he need to pay? Can't we just beat him up?" 

"Shut up." 

Just then, In a flash of wonderful light, he appeared. My arch nemesis. My sworn enemy. The guy I have a strong dislike for. And he was.......big. 

"Uh-oh." 

"Yeah well he grew up a few years, you can still take him. Kick his Fairy ass, once and for all!" 

"Who's there?" 

The Fairy Kid's voice was strong and commanding. Unlike myself. 

"Me." I squeaked. 

"Reveal yourself. What's your name?" 

I stepped into the light. 

"Fred." 

I tried to explain to Fred that Fairy Boy can't hear him, all the while having a sly plan in mind.. 

"Fred, Fairy Boy can't hear you. Now please be quiet while I prepare to BASH HIS HEAD IN WITH A CHAIR!!" 

I try to turn quickly, pull my wooded leg off, and hit him with it at the same time, but fail miserably and end up where I usually do, flat on my ass. 

As Fairy Boy stands over me, I begin to reflect. Was this all worth it? Can I not think of any good plots? Will someone please give me an idea of where to go with this story?? 

Okay, really people, If you like this story and want it to continue (yeah, right) then please give me some ideas. Review, e-mail, homing pidgeon, whatever way you like. Ciao! 


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